


You'll Have to Take Me Just the Way that You Find Me

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Amnesia, Angst, Car Accidents, Guilt, M/M, Smut, confused feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-10
Updated: 2013-11-10
Packaged: 2018-01-01 01:07:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1038528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For a very long prompt that basically says Louis and Nick get into a fight that causes Louis to leave a party and get into a car accident. Louis then suffers amnesia and the first person he sees when he wakes up is Nick. He assumes that he and Nick are friends and eventually falls for him, but Nick feels guilty about the whole situation. Especially when he starts to get feelings of his own for Louis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Accident

**Author's Note:**

> This ended up being rather long and quite fun to write. I've had it on my tumblr for a while too, in case you saw it there.

Tonight’s party was unlike any other one Harry had thrown. Not that any of Harry’s parties were lame, but this one was so much livelier. This party was probably better than the others because Harry and Liam were throwing it in their brand new flat. They had been together for 5 months and Louis was honestly surprised it took Harry this long to leave him for Liam.

Louis and Harry had been living together since they started Uni, but now that they were both out, moved to London, in somewhat stable jobs, and Harry had Liam there really wasn’t a reason for them to anymore. Not that Louis was being left alone. He still had Niall living with him, and he loved that silly Irishman so it wasn’t bad. Plus their friend Zayn practically lived with them as well, despite him having his own flat a few streets away.

However, Louis is a little thankful that this party wasn’t thrown at his place. There were coolers with an assortment of beer on every table, music blaring in every room, and people everywhere. Louis could barely move without bumping in to someone or almost spilling a drink. It didn’t help that Louis was pissed out of his mind and barely able walk properly because of it.

There were two different types of drunken Louis. The first one is grumpy, mopey, and sits in a corner grumbling to himself. The second one, the one he is tonight, was loud, bitchy, a little slutty, and most of all he was brutally honest.

Now, Louis knows you should never listen to the words of a drunken man. His mother had told him long ago that things said in that state aren’t always what the person really thinks. But if he had listened to his mother’s advice then there would be no story to tell. And this is a pretty damn good story.

It’s a story that starts with a tragedy and ends in the most unexpected twist of young Louis Tomlinson’s life. A plot twist with the name of Nick Grimshaw.

Louis didn’t even know why Nick liked spending time with Harry anyway. He was a big shot radio host and Harry was an assistant in his studio, but why did they have to be friends? Louis did listen to his show, sometimes… when there wasn’t any good music on in the morning and he just wanted to fall back asleep. But he still didn’t see the appeal. They were so much younger than him. And by so much younger that means Louis and Harry were 22, Niall, Liam and Zayn were 21, and Nick is 29. So not that much older, but that doesn’t mean Louis has to like it.

But it wasn’t just the age or the stupid radio show that made Louis dislike him. It was also because Nick was just so….. odd. He played a Top 40 type of list but then he and Harry would discuss bands that Louis only found in the weird parts of YouTube. They liked to hang out with odd people from Nick’s own life, some of which were there that night, and they liked to drink pretentiously expensive wine and where clothes from thrift shops and Louis just didn’t understand them. He liked his mainstream life thank you very much.

Louis also hated him because every time Harry made them hang out and try to be friendly for his sake, Nick would say something stuck up like _‘Oh, you want to be an actor? How’s waiting tables going then?’_ or _‘You actually bought Rihanna’s new album? Never get anywhere with such shit music taste.’_ And then they would argue and Harry would get upset, but could you blame Louis? Nick was shaming his music taste!

Not to mention Louis’ acting was a sore spot for him. He was the talk of the town back in Doncaster after he landed the role of Danny Zuko in his school’s production of Grease. And then in Uni he got almost every major role in almost every university show. But the real world of West End acting was so much more difficult. There were so many more people that wanted leads and they had just as much, if not more, drive as Louis. In a year he hadn’t had any luck, so yes he was waiting tables and he didn’t Nick’s snarky reminder of it at every turn.

For the most part Louis avoided him by keeping a glaring eye on him at all times. He would watch when Nick got too close and Louis would duck into the closest room or grab the closest cute guy to dance with. He didn’t think Nick actually wanted to talk to talk to him, but he stayed clear just in case. He just knew that if they were close enough then one of them would start a hissy fit and he really didn’t want to ruin Harry and Liam’s party.

Losing Nick in the crowd was what sent the night downhill. Perhaps dancing with the tall guy with big, beefy shoulders that blocked his view wasn’t one of Louis’ brighter moments. As soon as he realized he could no longer see the older man, Louis let go of his partner and looked around frantically. The larger boy didn’t seem to mind, as he just shrugged and moved on to the next person.

Louis made his way over to one of the coolers for yet another drink and found Zayn chatting up some blonde haired girl. He seemed really into her so he decided not to get involved and interrupt whatever it was they were discussing. He chugged the new drink and turned around just in time to find his least favorite person smirking down at him.

Louis hated that Nick was taller than him. Most people were, but when you add in that Louis already hated Nick, the height thing only made it worse. Nick ran his eyes over Louis’ body but they settled on his face with a raised eyebrow.

“Excuse me.” Louis said, glancing behind Nick and hoping he would get the message to move.

“Oh? Am I in the little princess’s way?” Nick slurred. Louis could see that his eyes were loopy and his breath stunk of liquor.

Louis pushed Nick’s chest and spat at him. “Don’t call me princess you twat.”

Nick only chuckled and pulled Louis back. “Awe, come on Louis. It’s a party! Try to be an adult for once and have fun.”

Louis rolled his eyes and pushed Nick off again. “Shut up _Nicholas._ ” Louis knew Nick hated it when people called him by his full first name. “And who’s not acting like an adult here? You’re the one hanging out with people years younger than yourself.”

“Most of those younger people have an inch of maturity though.” Nick snapped.

Zayn seemed to catch on to what was happening, because he stepped away from the cute girl and towards Louis and Nick. “Lads? Everything alright over here?”

Louis whipped his head to look at Zayn angrily. “No! Grimmy is being a stupid mother fucking—”

“Louis is just being immature and drunk.” Nick said calmly. How could he be so fucking calm?

“I AM NOT!” Louis wanted to scream. He wanted to push Nick to the ground, kick his ribs until they broke, and then pour a drink all over his expensive clothes. Instead Louis pushed Nick out of his way and stormed toward the door. He didn’t get far before Harry showed up to stop him.

“Lou bear? Where are you going? The night is still young!” Harry said to him with pleading eyes. But then Harry noticed Louis’ swaying body and unfocused eyes and he realized just how drunk Louis was. “And you are really drunk. I can’t let you go alone, you could get hurt.”

Louis rolled his eyes even more frustrated than before and very tired of dealing with people. “Dammit Harry! I’m sorry but I just want to go. I’m not having fun and I’m angry and I just want to leave.” Every word was coming out a slur.

Louis unsteadily made his way to the door and didn’t even look behind before slamming it shut. After he left Harry was quick to find Nick and force him to call Louis and apologize for whatever it was he did. He gave him his cell phone and home numbers and waited for him do dial before finding a window to watch Louis walk away.

Down on the street Louis was walking with his arms crossed and his head down. He was mumbling to himself and barely able to walk in a straight line. Eventually a cab pulled up next to him, so Louis used the last bit of judgment he had to get in and let a professional drive him home.

They hadn’t gotten very far before the cab stopped at a red light. And then it happened.

But it happened so fast that Louis didn’t even time to look out the window. He didn’t see the car, driven by someone who was drunker than he was, go directly over the curb and flip upside down. He also didn’t see the car slide into the side of his own taxi.

He did see his own cab flip over and land with a loud crash in the grass next to the road. He felt his arm get jammed between his body and the door. He felt his head bang against the window and then saw the blood drip down from the gash in his head and his arm.

He stayed awake for long enough to see the flashing lights of some rescue person coming to their aid. But he couldn’t keep his eyes open for much longer. He could feel the darkness pulling him down and he wanted to go with it. He couldn’t hold onto the pain that was ringing through his head and his arms and now his ribs were starting to burn.

Louis closed his eyes and let his mind wander. His last thought was of pushing past Nick and running to the door before he blacked out.


	2. The Wake Up

The sun rolled in through the windows as a bright reminder that Nick wouldn’t have to be going in to work today. Thank god for that because he was sporting a massive headache and he was in no mood for real life. But when then his phone started buzzing and he saw that he had nine missed calls. Great. Biggest hangover of his life and now he’s all popular.

Nick picked up the phone and of course all the calls were from Harry. Now he was worried he did something really bad at Harry’s party. All he could remember doing was drinking a lot, fighting with that Tomlinson kid, leaving the not-so-apology message for him, and then blowing some random in Harry’s bathroom. Definitely not anything that warrants nine phone calls and six voice messages from the lad.

Nick groaned and pulled a pillow over his head before pressing play on the voicemails.

_“Grimmy I’ve called you four times now! You have to pick up it’s an emergency!”_ This first message made Nick peak an eye out at the phone.

_“I mean it you really need to answer okay? It’s Louis! Something is very wrong!”_ Louis? Why does Harry think Nick cares about him?

_“NICK THIS IS SERIOUS! HE WAS IN AN ACCIDENT OKAY? LOUIS IS REALLY HURT!”_ Okay, now Nick was getting a little worried.

_“I’M NOT KIDDING NICHOLAS! THIS IS YOU’RE FAULT AND YOU KNOW IT! HE WOULDN’T HAVE RUN OUT DRUNK IF YOU HADN’T BEEN SUCH A TWAT!”_ Harry’s right, but what happened? Nick knew Louis hadn’t tried to drive himself, but how could he be hurt?

_“WE ARE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL NOW! I SWEAR TO GOD NICK IF ANYTHING REALLY BAD HAPPENED TO HIM YOU WILL NEVER HEAR THE END OF THIS!”_ Nick was staring at his phone in disbelief now. He didn’t understand what was going on and Harry certainly wasn’t helping him.

Harry’s next call was made a few minutes after the others and he was a lot calmer this time. _“Grimmy, listen. I-I know you guys hated each other, and I don’t know why, but this is still your fault. You know he wouldn’t have left if it wasn’t for you, so you owe it to him to come here. He’s still not awake, but you need to get here. Please, I need you here. We’re at St. Mary’s just… just come.”_

Nick sat up on his bed and rubbed his temples.He knew that whatever was happening to Louis couldn’t be his fault. He didn’t know why he was so rude to Louis all the time. He wanted to blame last night on the alcohol but that would just be a lie.

He got up from his bed and against his better judgment; Nick got dressed and headed to his door to make his way to St. Mary’s Hospital. He just wanted to know what was going on. And he wanted Harry to shut up about it being his fault. Whatever happened to Louis could have been avoided, he was sure.

When he got to the Hospital, Nick asked the lady at the front for Louis Tomlinson and he almost lost all his breath when she told him he was in the intensive care unit on the second floor. Nick practically ran to the elevator now that he knew it really was serious. Thankfully the elevator was empty so Nick was able to catch his breath and calm himself down. He looked up at the ceiling stared at his messy and worried reflection in it. He swallowed a lump of guilt that had built up in his throat, once again trying to convince himself that he was not to blame.

When the doors to the elevator opened Nick walked straight into the waiting room to find Harry sobbing into Liam’s shoulder. Liam looked up and nodded at Nick upon seeing him before nudging Harry and kissing him to calm him down. Nick cleared his throat to get Harry’s attention and was distraught at his wrecked appearance.

He had clearly been crying as his eyes were red and glassy and his nose was pink. He took a deep breath before speaking, and his voice was rough like it was when he cried or yelled. “’Bout time you got here. He’s in room 198 and still hasn’t woken up. It’s… it’s so bad Grimmy.”

Nick didn’t show any sign of emotion, which worried Harry, but he sat in the chair next to him and rubbed his back. “What happened, Harry?”

Harry couldn’t even speak. He looked up at Nick and started crying again, turning into Liam’s shoulder. Liam kissed the top of his head and tangled his hand in his curls before he spoke up. “He… Louis was in a cab and it was hit by a drunk driver. It flipped over and the other car ended up in a ditch.” Harry sobbed harder during the re-telling and Nick started listening more intently. “He bruised some ribs and fractured his left wrist, but the worst damage was to his head. The doctors aren’t sure yet what the mental damage is but he’s in a coma now. He looks better than he actually is, but they say it could have been much worse.”

Harry pulled himself together and looked at Nick angrily. “You need to go in and see him Nicholas.”

Nick rolled his eyes and stood up. “I’ll go, but I doubt my presence is going to wake him up.” He wanted to say something about how blaming everything on him wasn’t going to do anyone any good, but Harry already looked like he wanted to kill him.

So, Nick made his way to room 198 and stopped just outside the door. He had his hand on the doorknob, but he couldn’t get himself to turn it and open the door. He didn’t know how bad Louis would look or if maybe he would go into cardiac arrest and have to be rushed out again. Nick couldn’t handle this, but when he looked back at Harry crying again, he knew he had to go in.

Nick slowly opened the door, as if Louis would wake up and yell at him, and found the lights to be off and the shudders covering the windows. He supposed that was because the doctors didn’t want to strain Louis once he woke up. Damn them because the shadows it created on Louis made him look lovely.

Nick really shouldn’t have thought that, but it was just so true. There Louis was lying, unconscious, with a bandage around his head, ribs, and a cast on his left wrist, but Nick found him to be beautiful. Maybe it was because he was so peaceful looking rather than angry and snapping at him like he usually was. He was breathing steadily and the machine by his bed showed a regular heartbeat, so that was good. But Nick couldn’t help but hurt inside because now that he was looking at him, he really did think this was partly his fault.

There were a couple chairs splayed by the bed, probably from where Harry and Liam had been sitting earlier. He sat down in one and scooted it closer to the bed. Nick wasn’t sure about the hospital’s policy on touching was, nor was he sure he wanted to go there with Louis, but in the end he rested one hand on the boy’s leg over the blanket. He wasn’t sure what to do now. He was actually a little proud of himself for even getting this close. So, he decided he should try talking; that’s what they did on TV anyway.

“So, um… I’m not quite sure what to say…” Nick sighed and dared a look at Louis’ face. As he expected, it was unchanged. “This is awkward…”

Nick stayed silent for a few more minutes, just looking around the room at some flowers and then at Louis, but he still wasn’t sure what to say.

“You know, you’re not too bad when you aren’t talking. You’re never too bad before you open your mouth though, but this is much better… gosh that was an awful thing to say. Sorry,” Nick laughed at himself. “I’m apologizing and you probably can’t even hear me. TV lied, I’m sure of it. There is no way unconscious people can hear anything. I mean, it’s not like people can hear the outside world when they are asleep, so I don’t see why this would be any different.”

There was another silent pause, because it’s not like Louis could respond to Nick’s rants. It’s just that Nick wasn’t used to being this calm around Louis. The kid always made his blood boil and his head hurt because he was just so infuriating. But now that Nick thinks about it; Louis was just like him. He was headstrong and stubborn and sarcastic and sassy and perhaps that’s why Nick hated him so much. He was just too much like him and in Nick’s mind there could only be room for one. But then again…

“Now that I’m thinking about it and talking to you without having to worry about a response, I guess you were never too bad. Is it wrong to talk in past tense? Sorry about that, it must be rude. Anyway, um… there are people out here who care about you and want you to wake up.” Nick took a deep breath before letting out this next part. “I want you to wake up to, because I want to apologize about last night. Things were said and it led to this and while I’m still not convinced the accident was my fault, you leaving was so… just work on that waking up thing.”

Nick got up from the seat quickly and fled to the door. He couldn’t believe he was saying those things, whether Louis could hear them or not. He slammed the door behind him, but when he turned around he was met with Harry’s angry face.

“Why did you run out of there Nick?” Harry asked pointedly.

Nick pushed past him and back to the lobby with Liam, refusing to answer Harry’s question. Liam nodded to him again when Nick sat down next to him. Liam wasn’t much of a talker and Nick liked that. They sat together for a couple of minutes, but soon Nick was going absolutely mad from all of the silence he had been in that day.

“Do you think he’s going to be okay?” Nick asked.

Liam just shrugged. “I told you what the doctors said. I wish I could say for sure, but I don’t think anyone will know until he wakes up.”

Nick snorted. “No offense to you and Louis but I was talking about Harry. I’ve never seen him like this before.”

“Well, he and Louis have been friends for a long time, and I think he partly blames himself. I think he thinks maybe if he had tried harder to make Louis stay than none of this would have happened.” Liam said.

“Is that what you think?” Nick asked sincerely.

Liam shook his head and leaned back. “I don’t think it would have done anything. Everything happens for a reason you know? And it’s nobody’s fault but the universe.”

Nick looked at Liam, impressed. “How long have you been the wisest man on earth?”

They laughed to themselves but stopped quickly when they saw Harry approaching. He lopped down on a seat across from them and crossed his arms, looking dazedly at the ground.

Liam leaned forward with a concerned look. “Baby? You okay? Did something happen with Louis?”

Harry let out a long sigh and finally looked up at them. “No. Nothing happened with Louis and that is why I am not okay.”

Nick started to stand up to leave, “Then I guess I’m no longer needed then…”

Harry shot him a glare and pointed down at the chair. “Sit. None of us are leaving until Louis wakes up and that is final.”

~ ~ ~

Several hours and many gross vending machine meals later it was late that night and Harry had fallen asleep on one of the hospital benches with Liam nodding off slowly beside him. Nick, however, was still very much awake, having made several trips to the in-hospital Starbucks because of a fear of Harry’s wrath if he even so much as tried to nap.

Nick looked at his phone. 11:30 pm. He was so ready to sneak out and go home and then maybe wake up to a relaxing Sunday, but he figured Harry would kill him, so that was out. He wanted to sleep but at the same time he didn’t want to stay still, and he was stuck in this sort of loop of sitting down and then getting up and pacing and then sitting down again. Eventually his very sleepy mind thought it would be a good idea to go back into Louis’ room and keep him company. Not that the younger boy even know it.

Still Nick found himself sitting back in the chair next to Louis’ bed and tracing circles onto his stomach, regretting even going to that hospital. Although Louis still looked lovely and his hand was so soft that maybe Nick was okay with falling asleep holding it tightly.

~ ~ ~

Louis’s eye fluttered open and at first he calmly traced the room, but soon they was jerking up rapidly and confused, because what the hell was going on? Where was he? And for that matter, who was he? He sat up painfully and now a whole new spew of questions popped up about why most of his body hurt, and thought hard. His name was Louis… something and he was 21 no… he was 22… what? He strained his memory to know what the fuck was happening but he realized he couldn’t recall anything. Not the night before, or week, or last few years, or anything for that matter.

He figured he must be in a hospital… why could he remember what that was? How did even get here? And who was holding his hand? The last question was a very serious one because there was a man lying on Louis’ stomach in a position that must be terrible for his neck, gently holding onto his hand.

This mystery man was sort of cute too. His eyes were closed and he was sort of drooling on the blanket, but Louis thought it was sort of sweet. He must have been someone very important to Louis, maybe even a boyfriend, considering he slept next to him all night.

He looked down at the man and smiled because he was just so adorable. Louis thought his hair looked very soft and he wanted to touch it, so he did. With the hand that wasn’t being held, he stroked through the messy brown hair and smiled more. He was right. But then the man was stirring in his lap and opening his eyes, and Louis couldn’t help but chuckle at him.

Nick shook himself out of the sleep, but he was not prepared for what he saw looking down at him. It was a very awake Louis smiling down at him, almost affectionately, but still with a hint of confusion in his eyes. “Louis?”

“Yes?” Louis said.

Nick sat up straight and his heart almost stopped when Louis’ face dropped when he released their hands. “Um, I’m glad you’re awake… do you um, do you remember what happened?”

Louis’ face scrunched up in confusion and he shook his head. “No. I-I don’t remember anything. I’m so sorry but, I don’t even remember your name.”

And wow that’s not exactly what Nick was expecting. “You don’t remember anything at all?”

Louis shrugged. “Afraid not. I remember my name but that’s about it.”

Nick stood up from his seat and backed up. “i-I um… I’m sorry to hear that. What about Harry? Or Liam? Do you know who they are?”

Louis looked so upset and disappointed. “N-No. I’m sorry I don’t know.” Louis’ breathing picked up and the heart rate machine’s beeping became faster as well. “I-I don’t know any-anything. Oh god! I don’t know what’s going on! Please, can you tell me?”

Nick quickly leapt back to the bed and pulled Louis close to his arms, suddenly very protective of him. He still didn’t know where these instincts were coming from, but he knew that he hated seeing Louis upset and scared like this. “Yes, it’s okay Louis. But I’m not sure I should be the one to tell you. We’re not exactly… um… you and I aren’t…”

“What? Why can’t you tell me? You stayed by my hospital bed why can’t you be the one to tell me what’s going on?” Louis asked desperately.

“It’s not that simple love,” did Nick really just call him love? “Maybe we should call a nurse in here.”

Louis shook his head. “You were here, so you must have been my friend. And I want to hear from a friend.”

Nick let out a breath and nodded his head. He sat back in the chair, but Louis wouldn’t let go of his hand this time. “Okay, I’ll tell you then. Listen, I don’t have the best details but, you were in a car accident the day before yesterday. A drunk driver hit your cab and it flipped and well… this happened. I’m so sorry Louis.”

Louis stared at him, his eyes full of sadness and yes the confusion was still there. He nodded his head. “Is that… um, all you know?”

“Yes.”

“Okay…thank you… Um…” Louis began before he realized he still didn’t know this man’s name.

“Oh, um I’m Nick, Nick Grimshaw.” He told him. “And you’re Louis Tomlinson.”

“That’s a nice name.” Louis giggled.

Nick smirked and nodded in agreement. “Yeah, to be honest I always thought Louis Tomlinson just rolled off the tongue.”

Louis rolled his eyes and laughed. “Thanks I guess but I was talking about your name. Grimshaw… it’s nice.”

Nick felt a blush creep up so he turned away from Louis and stood up again. He pushed the chair back and looked around the mostly empty room. “I’m going to get you a nurse okay? And-I’m going to tell Harry and Liam you’re awake.” Louis cocked his head to the side, not knowing who they were. “Right, you’ll meet them later I guess.” Nick walked to the door but turned back around when he heard Louis’ voice one last time.

“You’ll come back won’t you?” Louis asked him. Nick had never seen Louis like this; so small and hopeful, like a child. It shouldn’t have been as endearing as it was, but Nick wanted to see it more. Maybe this could be his second chance? A chance to finally get along with Louis and even become friends, just like Harry had always wanted them to be.

“Yeah Lou, I’ll be back tomorrow. I promise.” Nick said as he pushed a final swell of guilt down his throat.


	3. Florence Nightengale

Louis William Tomlinson.

Birthday December 24, 1990.

22 years old.

Aspiring actor and in the meantime waiter. 

Son of Jay and Mark Tomlinson, brother of Lottie, Fizzy, Daisy, and Phoebe.

These were the basic fact Louis had been told about himself. He didn’t feel connected to them though. They must be facts about his life, but they weren’t in his memory yet. So Louis felt stuck. All he really knew was that his ribs hurt all the time and he only looked forward to seeing a man named Nick Grimshaw.

Nick Grimshaw.

Birthday August 14, 1984.

29 years old.

Radio DJ for BBC Radio 1’s breakfast show.

Friend and boss of Harry Styles, and maybe friend of Louis.

This was all Louis knew of Nick so far, but he didn’t mind. Nick was with him when he woke up and he had been visiting every day since then. Louis liked the way he always seemed nervous around Louis, but was still more helpful than anyone with making Louis feel comfortable.

Harry was alright. Louis thought he was a bit high-strung, but at the same time he could definitely see how they had been friends for so long. Liam was very smart and quiet and Louis loved watching the way he could calm Harry down in a second. Zayn and Niall weren’t bad either, both just very worried and even though Louis couldn’t remember, he was sure the way they were acting wasn’t how they normally were with him.

Nick was the only one who seemed to be acting normal, but maybe it was because he was the first person Louis met upon waking up. His presence just made Louis calmer and more willing to cooperate with the hospital’s therapist. Sadly, Nick could only come at night during the week, so Louis had less time with him than everybody else.

But that damn therapist was unbearable. She was treating Louis like he was some sort of child, instead of really trying to get his memory back.

She would ask the same questions over and over again, sometimes they would be worded differently, but none of it helped. Louis memorized his information, but he never saw the memories. He liked the times when Harry or Niall would tell him a story of something they did, and it always sounded fun, but he wouldn’t see it in his mind.

Even his own mother and father were strangers to him. They came to visit along with his sisters, during the first weekend but couldn’t stay long, as the girls had to go to school. Nick said he couldn’t come that weekend, because of promotion stuff on the radio; Louis was sad but he understood. He loved his family though. Harry had told him that he adored his sisters more than anyone else in the world, and Louis could see that. They were the cutest things he could imagine, of course his imagination was a bit fuzzy as well, and they never wanted to leave his side. He did feel bad about the twins though, because apparently before he was the only one who could tell them apart and now he could barely keep their names in his head.

His mom shared loads of pictures from his childhood to help him, the therapist had suggested it, and while Louis could recognize the younger him and the places, he couldn’t remember what he was doing or who he was with. Everything was fuzzy. His father didn’t say much to him, just held his hand, and it was very comforting; Louis could tell they must have been close before.

Late Sunday night his mother said it was time for them to leave and the girls were in tears. Louis could feel a ping of sadness in his gut but it was barely there, because they really were still strangers to him. He kissed each of them, said goodbye, and promised that he would do his best to get better for them.

The next morning Louis was woken up by the radio and he was thrilled to find that it was Nick’s show coming through the speakers. He looked around the room and saw his personal nurse, Perrie, checking his charts and making some notes. Perrie was the only person that worked in the hospital that Louis could actually stand being near.

“Morning Pez,” Louis said to her as he sat upon his bed, wincing at the pain in his ribs. “Did you put the Breakfast show on for me?”

She smiled at him and sat at the edge of his bed. “Yup! I figured you would want to listen since Grimmy keeps coming in for visits. Who knows, maybe it will jog your memory.”

“Maybe.” Louis laughed as Nick made some joke about some bird named Kim Kar—something. “He’s really funny, isn’t he?”

“Oh yeah! I’ve always loved this show. You’re a lucky man you know.” She winked at him. “I didn’t even know Grimmy had a boyfriend.”

Louis turned red but shook his head. “Oh, no I’m not… Harry said I didn’t have a boyfriend. I think Nick and I were just friends, but I’ve no idea. Harry works for him and the show and apparently that’s how I know him, but that’s it.”

“My mistake, but it’s too bad; the way you gush when he’s here and the way he stares at you… you guys would make a great couple.” Perrie started to get up, probably to get Louis’ breakfast. “I think he has a crush on you, and I’m willing to bet you had a crush on him to before the accident.”

And with that she left Louis to his thoughts. His thoughts of Nick and Perrie’s theory of a crush that he had never considered before. Maybe Nick did have a crush on him… and that was why he slept next to him… and why he acted differently that Louis’ other friends. It would also explain why Louis felt closer to him instantly rather than growing into the fondness like he did with Harry and Liam, even though they also came in later on the first day.

Perrie came back in and found Louis staring at his hands and deep in thought. “What’s got you down Lou?” she set his tray on the handles of the bed.

Louis shook himself out of the thoughts and looked up at her. “Do you really think he likes me?”

She rolled her eyes and giggled at him. “I have no idea babe. I was just telling you what I was observing. But you shouldn’t worry about crushes or anything until you get most of your full memory back, okay? If he likes you it will all work out.”

~ ~ ~

Nick was running late, by 27 minutes to be exact. You see Nick was going to the hospital every weekday at exactly 2:00 to see Louis. He had rationalized that it would help Louis recover faster, and he wouldn’t be responsible for anymore medical issues that boy had. And that was the only reason. The only reason.

But anyway, Nick was only late because Harry insisted he take him with him and then proceeded to take forever to get ready. Why did he even need to go through four different shirts just to go to the hospital anyway? It’s not like Louis will care what he wears, just as long as Harry is wearing clothes, because Harry being naked around Louis used to be a common occurrence but nobody thought he was ready for that just yet in his recovery.

Nick was impatiently tapping his foot on the floor of the elevator they were currently in, arms crossed, and frown splashed across his face. Harry wasn’t as peeved as him.

“Why the long face Grimmy?” Harry asked nonchalantly.

Nick glared at him. “Gee. Maybe because we are late and I hate tardiness?”

Harry raised his eyebrows at Nick’s attitude but then he smirked. “Why are you so concerned about being late for Louis? Huh?”

“Don’t. Don’t even have any of the thoughts I know you are having.” Nick said sternly. “I made a promise that I would see him and I don’t break promises, especially to people stuck in hospitals. That is all.”

“Sure it is Grimmy.” Harry snickered at him. “I think you like him.”

“No I don’t. Underneath all of that confusion and memory loss is the same annoying little shit that there always was.” Nick snapped.

“Then why keep the promise to see him?”

“I’m optimistically hoping that when he gets all of his memory back, he will hate me a little bit less for all of this. Life would be easier for everyone is we got along.” Nick said matter-of-factly.

“Whatever you say, Grimmy.” Harry said, the smirk never leaving his lips, as the elevator doors opened.

The two walked the short distance to Louis’ room and they could hear the laughter of two people on the other side of the door. Harry was the one to open the door and there was Louis sitting up on his bed with his nurse on standing next to him. On the TV screen was an old episode of that American show, Psych.

At the sound of the door being opened Louis turned his head towards them, but he looked right past Harry and beamed at Nick. “Oh! Hello boys. Perrie and I were just watching this show… what was it called again?”

“It’s Psych love.” Perrie said sweetly.

“Right! Anyway, it’s really funny! Is there any chance I watched it before? It seems familiar.” Louis asked them.

Harry grinned and nodded his head. “We used to watch it all the time! That’s good that you remember that Lou.” He walked into the room and sat in one of the chairs with Nick following close behind.

“I never said I remembered it; I just found something about it familiar.” Louis shrugged.

Harry nodded his head in understanding then looked up at Perrie. “So, how’s our boy doing today then?”

She picked up the chart from the end of the bed and walked around to show them. “All his vitals are normal, but they have been for the past week, he’s much more mobile around his ribs so that means those are healing nicely, other than the continued amnesia, his head is also healing, at least the bruising and swelling has gone down, plus it hasn’t bled since his first night here, and his wrist is getting better, but it needs to stay in the cast for another five weeks. He’s doing pretty well if you ask me, but the Doctor still wants him to stay here with our specialists until he gets more memory back.”

Harry pouted. “So there’s no chance of us being able to take him home soon?”

Perrie regretfully shook her head. “I’m sorry, but that’s Hospital policy. I mean, unless the therapist says going home would be better for his recovery, which does happen sometimes, he’s stuck here.”

Louis waved his hands to get their attention. “Hello? Could we not talk about me as if I’m not here? I’m amnesiac not deaf.”

“Sorry Love.” Perrie said, petting his hair. She put the chart back then clapped her hands together. “Well, I’ll leave you to your guests then. Oh, and I have the night off so El is going to be taking care of you tonight Lou.”

“Okay, bye Pez.” Louis waved goodbye and almost threw his pillow at her when she winked and pointed at Nick. “So, we used to watch this, Harry?”

“Oh, yeah, it’s really great, and this is a really good episode. I remember when we watched this the first time; I kept insisting the whole way through that it was the assistant, but you were the one who said the designers killed each other.”

“Well thanks for spoiling the ending for me!” Louis said with faked disappointment.

Harry just laughed at him and got up from the chair. “Sorry Lou. I’m gonna go to a vending machine and get me and Nick some water.”

“Okay.” Louis sighed as he let his eyes fall back on Nick with a soft smile. “You’ve been awfully quiet in your little chair.”

Nick shrugged. “Just been listening is all. Your um… report is sounding positive.”

“Oh, um, yeah that’s great.” Louis mumbled. “I don’t really care about the physical healing so much though. I mean, don’t get me wrong, being able to move around properly is nice, but I want my life back. I want to be able to remember all of our memories for myself. I miss it.”

Nick scooted the chair closer to the bed and took Louis hand, something he had made a habit to do whenever he visited. “I know it sucks Louis, but you can’t rush that. The mind is a tricky thing you know.”

Louis looked down at where their hands met and decided he would like it better if their fingers were knotted together, so he did just that. Nick turned a fair shade of pink but didn’t let go. Instead, they looked up at each other and smiled, but both held a different sort of smile.

Louis’ was sweet, hopeful and fond. Sweet because he was looking at Nick and that was how he felt every time he looked at him. Hopeful because maybe Perrie was right about Nick’s crush, because she was definitely right about Louis’. Fond because that was exactly how he felt about Nick.

Nick’s, however, was amazed, spellbound, and surprised. Amazed because, wow, Louis was really pretty from this angle, and now that he thinks about it, Louis is pretty from every angle. Spellbound because he simply couldn’t look away from how pretty he was. Then lastly, surprised because he had never thought of Louis like this before; never considered his looks because they were always too busy arguing.

Either way they were too lost in each other to notice harry comeback in through the door and then back out slowly with a mischievous smile on his face.

~ ~ ~

In the second week Louis’ ribs healed further and he could almost bend forward all the way. Harry brought him his collection of Psych DVDs and Louis and Nick had marathons every time he came to visit, complete with popcorn and cuddling.

Louis learned that Nick had a younger sister and wanted a big family once he got married. He also loved dogs and hated the fact that Harry was a cat person.

Louis went in to therapy and sort of remembered his sister’s birthdays, where he worked, and his acting aspirations, but that was it.

Perrie put the breakfast show on every morning.

~ ~ ~

The third week was when Harry and Liam brought in some of Louis’ old musical performances sent to them from his mom. Louis loved the ones from Grease and when Nick came to visit _‘You’re the One That I Want’_ played over and over in his head.

It also marked the week Louis got to take off the head bandage and wash his hair for the first time. Harry bought him shampoo that smelled like citrus fruit and Nick sat a little closer to him after he used it. He was also able to walk around a little bit, so he and Nick started going on daily walks around the Hospital floor.

He didn’t get any sort of memories back from his sessions with the therapist, but he was thankful that their talks didn’t have to be in his depressing room anymore.

Louis put an alarm on his radio so he could wake up to the breakfast show every day.

~ ~ ~

The fourth week came with Nick going out of town for a festival from Sunday to Wednesday and Harry and Liam visiting Liam’s family in Wolverhampton, so Louis’ only company was Niall and Zayn. Of course they were excellent company, because they had even more good times to share with him and they were always getting up to something with the staff.

One day Zayn left the room for what was supposed to be a short bathroom trip but didn’t come back for half an hour.

“Where the fuck were you then?” Niall questioned. Louis had decided he loved it when the blonde kid swore and looked forward to it. Nobody else really used R rated language with him.

Zayn just shrugged his shoulders and slouched back in his chair.“To the bathroom, just like I said.”

Niall playfully hit him on the arm. “Just there? What, did you fall in or something?” Niall asked, almost making Louis snort out the tea he had been drinking. Yorkshire, Nick brought it in for him before he left and said it was his favorite.

“I might have grabbed the number from that blonde nurse looking after our Louis.” Zayn told them with a sly grin.

Louis’ eyes widened in shock. “You can’t seduce my nurse Malik! Harry told me about your wicked ways.”

Zayn kept her number and went on a date with her the next day. Louis didn’t like it until she came in the next with an even bigger smile on her face than usual. He told her it was cute and that he promised if Zayn tried anything she didn’t like; Louis would send him to his own hospital bed.

Nick came back on Thursday and brought a bouquet of tulips with him, and later that day Louis was able to move around and bend his back without any pain from his ribs at all. The doctor still said he wanted him to stay for memory purposes.

~ ~ ~

In the fifth week, Louis’ wrist had healed early so he took the cast off and complained every minute about how he still had to stay there. Nick would have found it annoying if the complaints weren’t made while Louis was lying in his arms after having invited the older man to share his very cramped bed. Nick just let Louis rant and ran his fingers through his delicious smelling hair.

Perrie and Zayn went on their third date and Perrie told Louis all about it the next day and Louis liked that he was friends with a perfect gentleman like Zayn. Before-accident-Louis had very good taste.

The therapist was also getting tired of Louis having to stay there. She even told Harry and Liam it was like Louis didn’t even want his old life back. They assured he the he did, and his sarcastic and stubborn attitude was a good sign, because that’s how he normally acted.

~ ~ ~

The sixth week was when Louis finally got the news that he could leave and he almost wanted to kiss the doctor because of it. Apparently his therapist wasn’t getting anywhere with just keeping him in the stressful environment of the hospital, and that being in his own home with his own stuff would jog his memory better than talking about it.

So on Friday Harry and Liam brought him some clothes from home and he was finally free, well he would be once they decided who would be looking after him. Harry, Liam, Nick, and Zayn had all shown up to help check him out. (Well, Zayn came for Perrie, and he was really confused when he saw Nick show up, but he didn’t press the issue.)

“I should do.” Harry insisted. “I used to live with him and I already know everything he needs to remember.”

Liam just shook his head. “No, Harry I think you being there will just impair his memory even more. His mind has to heal itself without any help. You’ll just end up telling him all the things he needs to know instead of letting him figure it all out.”

“But Li—!” Harry whined.

The couple argued while Louis walked over to Nick and nudged his side. “Why do people keep on talking about me like I’m not in the room. Have you noticed how often that’s happened?”

Nick put a protective arm around Louis’ shoulders, making the younger boy’s heart race. “They’re just lie squabbling parents right now. It’s pretty funny actually, I mean, it’s like an old married couple.”

“Yeah, but I’m not their child.” Louis grumbled. “And who even said I wanted either of them to _‘take care of me’_ ” he accented the last part with air quotes.

“Then just tell them that Lou.” Nick groaned as he pushed Louis toward them.

Louis rolled his eyes but proceeded to walk into the middle of their conversation, but they didn’t stop talking.

“Baby, just listen! I know you care about him—”

“YES! Exactly! I care so I want to be the one to look after him!”

“Harry I already told you this won’t help him—”

“How could knowing more about him than anyone not help him?”

“HARRY! LIAM! I don’t have my memory back but I have enough sense to know who I want to look after me.” Louis yelled. “So, if you two are quite finished I am going to check myself out and _Nick_ is going to take me home.”

Nick’s eyes almost bulged out of his head and if he were drinking something he would have spit it all out. He hadn’t meant for Louis to pick him to take him home after all, he just wanted someone to get them to shut up and stop fighting. But then everyone was looking at him with expectant expression, waiting for him to say something. Everyone except Louis, who must have realized he wasn’t aware of his internal decision and was wearing a regretful frown. He bit his lip and looked at Nick with pleading eyes, and fuck him because Nick could not say no to that face. He was pretty sure Louis didn’t even mean to be doing it either and that just made it worse.

“Um…” Nick cleared his throat. “Y-yeah, I can take him. I don’t have anything going on this weekend, and it’s not like you guys can’t check up on him whenever you want.”

Suddenly Harry’s face lifted into a bright smile. “Actually… yeah. That sounds perfect. Go ahead Grimmy, and just make sure he doesn’t hurt himself again.”

Liam didn’t look too sure, but Nick didn’t know why, he was pretty sure Liam liked him enough to let him watch Louis. Either way, Louis didn’t give anyone else a chance to object as he grabbed Nick’s hand and almost ran to the door.

They hailed a taxi and Louis quickly pulled Nick inside, hoping to avoid his friends catching up to him. He was finally going to get some alone time with the wonderful mystery of a man, without having to be inside those depressing hospital walls. When they settled in their seats, nick gave the driver the address, because thankfully he remembered it from when Harry had lived there. Louis leaned into his embrace and almost dozed off on the drive.

Nick wanted to just stare at Louis in his sleepy state but he got some text messages that kept him from it.

_**From: Hazza:** I knew you liked him!!!!!! You can’t even deny it at this point Grimmy!!_

Nick ignored that one with a roll of his eyes.

_**From: Harry’s Liam:** Tread lightly Nick, you never know how he will react to you when his memories are back. Hell hath no fury like a Louis Tomlinson scorned._

_**Reply:** Are you secretly running a fortune cookie factory????_

Liam didn’t answer.

He didn’t want him to though; because Nick knew he was right. There was no way of knowing how Louis would be once he knew how they really felt about each other. Would he let it all go and accept the new feelings? Or would he reject Nick and go back to hating him?

But then it occurred to Nick. He had all knew feelings for Louis. Feelings that were nice and pleasant and left little flutters in his tummy. He knew what he was feeling was real too. Nick liked Louis and not just in his amnesiac state. Nick knew that the little cracks in Louis’ demeanor that sometimes came up were what he was really like, and they were the pieces of the old Louis that he knew.

But it wasn’t just that. Nick was getting a whole new chance to get to know him. This Louis wasn’t combative or snotty like he used to be. He was sweet and quiet and he was actually letting Nick show him his own true self. The smiles and touches and cuddles, were all real to Nick and even to the current Louis, but would they be real when this was all over?

Nick wanted them to be. He wanted all of it to continue. Nick was fucked.

Nick was falling for him.


	4. The Affair

For the first time since Nick started spending time with Louis, he was feeling guilty. Guilty because every day he was falling more and more for a boy who thought he was something he wasn’t. A boy who thought they were friends and that Nick is this nervous quiet thing who only spoke sarcastically sometimes. A boy who was nothing like Nick expected to be when he was stripped down of his blind opinions.

To make it worse, the therapist’s theory of sending Louis home was working and his memory was coming back more and more each day. It seemed he could remember something new about his life almost every time Nick entered his flat, Louis would jump him into a hug and tell a new story about his life that he remembered. All from finding old pictures or looking at random items, and Nick was starting to internally apologize for all the times he said psychologists were stupid.

A picture of Louis and his sister; “I remembered something! When I was 8 I tried to teach Lottie how to ride a bike, but she went too fast and fell down a hill and now she has a scar on her left knee.”

A picture of Harry and Louis when they were three; “Wow I just remembered something good! Harry would bring a pink blanket to preschool every day and if you tried to take it away from him he would cry.”

A water bottle in Louis’ cupboard; “I remembered another thing! I used to play football when I was a kid and this one day another boy on my team forgot his water so I shared with him, but when it was almost empty I just let him have the rest. My mum scolded me later when I almost passed out but I was happy I helped him.

The stain on Louis’ coffee table. “Oh there’s something I just remembered! Harry and I bought this together. We only had it a week before he knocked a tub of partially melted ice cream, after some jerk dumped him.”

After Louis had been home for three weeks Nick realized he was spending more time in Louis’ house trying to help regain his memory, than he did actually going out and having a life. To make it even stranger, he really didn’t mind staying in with him. Of course, every moment Louis got another memory back Nick was filled with the fear that that would be it, that would be the moment Louis remembered that he hated him and he would kick him out.

And Nick really didn’t want that memory to come back. Especially now when he and Louis were snuggled up on Louis’ couch, looking through some old yearbooks and trying to get his teenage years back. Louis was flipping through each page with an angry, frustrated face, biting his bottom lip, and occasionally letting out little grumpy sighs. Nick thought it was adorable.

"I’m really proud of you for all of your progress Lou." Nick said, scooting in closer to him. Louis just hummed and kept focusing on his page. Completely adorable.

So adorable that he really couldn’t stop himself from leaning over and kissing Louis on the cheek.

Louis dropped the book immediately and let out a tiny gasp. He didn’t even look at Nick as he touched the spot where Nick’s lips had been. He stayed silent for a moment, eyes closed before he spoke.

"When I was 13 I had my first kiss." Louis started. "It was with a boy, whose name was Ryan and he was really cute, sweet year, and a year older than me. We were taking down the goal net after school and he just kissed me. His lips tasted like strawberries and his hands came up to my cheeks and they were really soft. It wasn’t his first kiss so he was really good at it. He told me I could tell people he was my boyfriend if I wanted. We dated for a month after that."

Nick cleared his throat. “That’s um, that sounds nice. And oddly specific.”

Louis sat up straighter and finally looked at him. “Um, right well… that’s because I started remembering that one last week and I was just waiting until I got the whole thing back until I told you. Because I really wanted to remember my first kiss before I told you… um… before I told you that I liked you.”

"O-okay." Nick was speechless. He didn’t think it would get this far with Louis. But… dammit he liked him too. He liked him so much and actually getting to hear him say these things was unbelievable. But then Louis was speaking again and Nick’s mind went into overdrive.

“I-I don’t remember what we were to each other before, but I know that right now all I want is you. I guess that’s rather silly since we were probably just friends, but these feelings couldn’t have just come out of nowhere. There must have been something before between us. I know there was for me. I can feel it. You… you feel so right for me.” Louis inches closer to Nick and straddles his lap. “And I also know that I must have wanted what I want right now. Because I’m too crazy for it to have not wanted it before.”

Nick clutches tightly onto Louis’ sides, his heart beating at a mile a minute and his breathing coming out in harsh stutters. “Louis… we, um, we never…It’s not that I haven’t…um, thought about it, but you never…”

“How could I not?” Louis cut him off and pressed their lips together, gasping at the touch.

Nick didn’t expect it. And his eyes only widened as Louis moved his lips against his, clearly not noticing that Nick wasn’t kissing back. But then Louis was pressing his tongue against Nick’s mouth and Nick finally accepted that this really was happening and he slipped his eyes closed and opened his mouth.

His large hands had tightened considerably on Louis’ waist and he pulled him closer until their chests were pushed together. Louis started subtly grinding down onto Nick’s lap as their kiss grew deeper, more frantic. Nick’s guilt only fed into the fire. His guilt over being the reason Louis was hurt. For using his amnesiac state to get this out of him. He knew that if Louis remembered how they used to be then neither of them would be here.

But then Louis released his lips and kissed along his jawline and tugged at Nick’s messy hair. Nick’s hands moved all along Louis’ back and then down to the bottom of his shirt and under it, onto the burning skin. Louis moaned as Nick massaged into his back and sat back to take the shirt completely off. Nick reveled at Louis’ tight body. He was unreal with his skinny, but muscular stomach and sun kissed tan skin. Nick leaned forward and kissed Louis on his diaphragm, then up to one of his nipples. He bit lightly it, mesmerized by the squeak that Louis let out, and then looked back into Louis’ darkened eyes when he felt how hard they both were.

“We should… should take this to your room Lou.” Nick whispered against Louis’ chest.

Louis nodded his head and stepped back off of Nick’s lap. He held out his hand and Nick took it immediately, getting up from the couch himself. “Does this mean, um… are you going to make love to me then?”

Nick chuckled and kissed Louis’ forehead. “Yes I think I am.”

And then Louis’ eyes sparkled and he smiled wider than Nick had ever seen. Wider than Nick ever thought he would see directed at him. Louis intertwined their fingers and started walking backward to his room, stopping at the door to kiss Nick again. He wraps his hands around Nick’s neck and pulls him closer. Nick wraps his own hands are Louis’ waist and pushes the smaller boy into the bedroom door.

Louis gasps when he feels his back hit the door and he whimpers and starts rutting against Nick’s leg. He can’t take this closeness and contact of skin much longer without really, truly having Nick. He couldn’t remember his life, so it was like they had just met, but at the same time he felt such a passionate connection to him and he wanted to be his.

Louis blindly reached behind himself and struggled to turn the knob and open the door. When he did they stumbled back, giggling, and almost fell to the ground but Nick was able to catch them. They fell back into their heated kiss and Nick started undoing the button and zip of his trousers. Louis pushed him back and knelt down to pull the trousers all the way off, his eyes widening at the considerably large bulge in Nick’s briefs.

He stood back up and took off his own trousers before backing up to the bed. Nick followed soon as Louis sat on the bed, their eyes never leaving each other’s bodies. Louis moved back on the bed and lay down as Nick hovered over him, caressing his hands all along his body.

“Lou, do you, um… do you remember your first time?” If he didn’t, would this mean he was a virgin all over again? And was Nick really willing to take that from him under false pretenses?

But Louis wasn’t answering him. He lay still under Nick and his eyes were focused up on the ceiling, like he was concentrating very hard. “I-I know I’ve had sex before… but-but I don’t remember who it was with, or what it was like, or if I even enjoyed it. I just know it happened.” Louis looked back into Nick’s eyes and brought a hand up to stroke his cheek. “But I do want this Nick. I promise.”

Nick kissed the hand on his face. “I just don’t want you to regret anything.”

Louis moved the hand to the back of his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. “How could I regret anything with you?”

Nick wouldn’t answer that, because he knew it would be a lot of things. Louis, the real Louis, wouldn’t even be in this position with Nick. He wouldn’t have kissed him, or trusted him, or even let him visit him in the hospital all those times. This temporary Louis wasn’t real, and Nick knew that, but he couldn’t help but fall for him. So Nick didn’t say anything. He just leaned down and kissed Louis again, not caring about the consequences.

After a few moments of kissing Louis was the one to pull back and look around the room. “I, well… We’re supposed to use lube and condoms or something right? Because I have no idea where I keep those.”

Nick followed Louis’ eyes around the room and settled them on the bedside table. “Well, most people keep them in there… and considering your past social life I think you would want to keep them close.”

Nick reached into the drawer and sure enough there was a bottle of lube and a half empty box of condoms right in the front. However, when he turned back to Louis, the younger one was biting his lip with a furrowed brow. “What did you mean considering my past social life?”

Nick choked on his breath. He didn’t mean for it to sound lie he was calling Louis a slut, even though that was what he thought before. “I just meant… um… you were always prepared. I-I don’t know about your past sex life or anything.”

Louis thought for a moment and then he shrugged. “Oh, okay then. I guess that’s a good thing, the preparedness.”

Nick moved back over to Louis and caressed his hand over Louis’ side. “Lou, don’t think about what I said, okay? You don’t know how many people you slept with and neither do I. And right now, I don’t care, so neither should you.”

Louis sat up and pulled his knees into his chest. “It’s just… I have experience but I don’t remember it. I’m supposed to know how to do things, how to make you feel good, but I just… don’t. I want to be good for you, and I know that if I hadn’t lost my memory, I would be.”

Nick chuckled and kissed Louis’ knee. “I’m not sure we would even be here if you still had your memory. But, Louis, trust me when I say you will be good, I promise. And maybe once we get going you’ll remember some things. The therapist said you’ll get things back by doing and seeing and touching. This could help you.”

“But… this isn’t just about getting my memory back right? I want to do this because I like you, and I want you to do it for the same reason.” Louis whispered.

Nick dropped the lube and condom next to them and sat up against the headboard with Louis; he placed his hand on Louis’ cheek to turn the boy towards him and kissed him tenderly. “I like you Louis. This is all about me and you. If you get some memories back then… that’s just a bonus. And a motivation to have a lot more sex later.”

Louis laughed at Nick’s words and pulled him back over him to lengthen the kiss. Nick re-positioned himself between Louis’ legs, moving his kisses down Louis’ neck and sucking a mark over the spot where his neck meets his shoulder. Louis tangled the fingers of one hand in Nick’s hair and with the other one he grasped Nick’s shoulder.

“Did you want to um… turn over?” Nick asked, looking directly into Louis’ eyes.

But Louis just shook his head. “Can I stay on my back? I want to see you.”

Nick nodded and sat back on his heels to look down at him. Louis looked a right mess, but he was beautiful all the same. His hair was splayed around his eyes, his lips kiss swollen, eyes dark with only a tiny rim of blue, tan skin flushed with pink, his cock was hard and red against his stomach, and he was taking long deep breaths. Nick figured he looked about the same though.

Nick popped open the bottle of lube and poured some onto his fingers. “I don’t know if you remember this part, but it’s going to feel weird.”

“Okay, just… kiss me?” Louis asked, reaching one of his hands behind Nick’s neck.

Nick leaned down and connected their lips before pushing the first finger in. Louis gasped at the intrusion, so Nick pushed his tongue into his mouth to distract him. When the first finger was knuckle deep, Nick paused all of his movements to give Louis time to adjust. Louis wiggled his hips down after a few moments and told Nick he could move.

So Nick continued to kiss him and he started pushing the finger in and out, much to Louis’ discomfort.

“When, exactly, is it going to feel… well un-weird?” Louis asked.

Nick chuckled and kissed the boy’s cheek. “Soon, love. Want me to add another?”

Louis nodded his head and pretty soon Nick had three fingers all the way in, thrusting slowly. He knew that Louis still wasn’t really enjoying it, but he was at least more comfortable. But then Nick finally angled his fingers upward and he found Louis’ prostate in a second and Louis let out a high pitched keen.

“Oh my god. Nick d-do that again.” Louis gasped against his lips.

Nick did as he asked and hit Louis’ prostate again and again, causing Louis to release little pitched breaths. Something was happening with Louis though. He was starting to remember this feeling. He could remember that spot being hit and him being like this with other men, but again he couldn’t remember who they were. There were no faces, just feelings.

Soon Louis was rutting down onto Nick’s fingers and pressing his nails into his shoulders, leaving crescent shaped marks. “Nick, can you… will you…” Louis tried to ask but he was so out of breath from having Nick’s fingers in him and the memories coming back.

“What do you want Louis? I’ll do anything you want.” Nick whispered against his skin.

Louis pushed up on Nick’s chest and grabbed the condom that was still next to them on the bed. He ripped open the package with his teeth, but stopped to look up at Nick before rolling it on. “Do you want me to do it?”

Nick could barely speak again so he huffed out a “Yes.” And watched as Louis rolled the condom onto his cock. The pressure from Louis’ hands had Nick rolling his eyes back and moaning, so Louis continued to slowly move his hand up and down. Eventually Nick could fell a very faint coil in the pit of his stomach so he grabbed Louis’ hand to stop his movements.

Nick poured some more lube onto his cock and rubbed it around thoroughly before pushing Louis onto his back and lining himself up with his hole.

“Are you ready?” Nick asked.

Louis took a deep breath and nodded, one hand on Nick’s free arm and the other clutching the sheets below them. Nick took his cock in his hand and pushed in slowly. Louis had been tight on his fingers and now he was even tighter on his dick, but Nick didn’t want to stop moving. He pushed all the way in and then stopped so Louis could adjust.

"H-how are you feeling?" Nick asked, kissing Louis’ cheek.

Louis’ eyes were squeezed shut and tiny tears were starting to form. “Feels full.” He sounded so out of breath. “I’m starting to remember this part…”

"That’s good Lou." Nick leaned up on his forearms to look at the boy beneath him. He pushed back the fringe on Louis’ flushed face and nuzzled their noses. "Do you think you’ll remember more if I moved?"

"Not yet! Please don’t move yet." Louis whined bringing his hands to Nick’s shoulders.

"I won’t, I won’t."

They stayed still more a few moments longer with Nick kissing all around Louis’ face, neck, and chest. Then Louis brought his legs up around Nick’s waist, resting his feet on his upper thighs, and he finally opened his eyes. “Okay, just slowly?”

Nick pulled out almost all the way then thrusted back in slowly and deeply, making sure he wasn’t hurting Louis. When Louis didn’t seem pained his movements, Nick continued like that. Dragging his hips in and out, then snapping them up at the last second to find Louis’ prostate. Louis’ breathing had sped up and at times Nick could have sworn he heard the boy purr at his movement.

It made Nick’s heart hurt. He wondered whether Louis used to be like this with all the men he slept with. Nick supposed not. For some reason he thought maybe Louis was much more dominant and demanding, and maybe it was the memory loss, but Nick is starting to think Louis was always like this. No matter who he was with, or how rough it was, Louis was submissive and quiet, his only noises these sweet gasps. Nothing about him was how Nick expected.

And then Nick changes his angle in just the slightest, but most right, way and he finds that spot inside Louis, and the boy yelps. “Oh! I… wow I remember that alright.”

Nick gained some confidence and hit that spot again and Louis just kept whimpering and clawing at his back. As they moved together Louis’ blunt nails left little crescent shaped marks into Nick’s skin as the older man began to move faster inside him. But Nick was still being so gentle and soft, even in his faster pace. Louis almost couldn’t handle it.

And Louis felt amazing around Nick. He was so warm and tight and Nick was doing everything he could to not let go too soon. He wanted it to be good for Louis, because so far it was perfect was Nick. He kissed Louis’ neck as he thrusted in and grabbed Louis’ hand to join their fingers together. Louis was whimpering and moaning beneath him and Nick could tell he was getting close when the boy’s voice started getting more and more high pitched.

"I-I… need… Nick I need-"

"What? What do you need baby?" Nick asked hastily.

And the pet name just drove Louis closer to the edge, but he knew he wouldn’t get there without Nick’s touch. “Your hand Nick, I need your hand.”

Nick nodded his head frantically and brought his free hand the Louis leaking cock. Louis moaned loudly when Nick started to pump his quickly, each chasing their own releases. “God, Lou… you’re so gorgeous like this. I can’t believe we’re doing this baby. You feel so good.”

"I’m gonna cum Nick!" Louis almost yelled it out.

Nick could feel his own cock throbbing and he knew he was going to come soon too, so he just moved even faster and harder and jerked Louis along with him, all the while whispering encouraging words in the younger one’s ears. “You can cum baby, I want you to. Come on Lou, you can do it.”

And then Louis felt the white hot heat course through his body and he came all over Nick’s hand and both of their stomachs. His arse clenched around Nick’s cock so tightly that it only took a few more thrusts for the older man to come as well, shooting hard inside the condom.

Nick kissed Louis deeply and passionately, but Louis had to push him away soon in order to breathe. He released their hands and brought his much smaller one to Nick’s cheek, caressing the skin and looking in his eyes. He gave Nick a faint smile and giggled.

"Well then… that was great Nick." Louis whispered.

Nick laughed with him and collapsed onto his chest. “I know babe. I’m exhausted.”

Louis kissed into Nick’s hair and rubbed his back. “I.. um, I really like the pet names.” Nick laughed and kissed Louis’ chest. There was a comfortable pause until Louis’ breath hitched when he remembered something. “My first time was when I was 16. It-it was with a boy named Stan… he was on the football team with me.” Louis recalled. “I had a crush on him for like a year and then Harry finally set us up. He wasn’t really what I thought he was though and my first time sucked. I almost didn’t even cum, because he was just so selfish about it. It wasn’t anything like this.” Louis said fondly.

Nick looked up at him with sad eyes. He actually didn’t think Louis’ first time would be like. Somehow he got it in his head that old Louis was the type to hook up with some random at a club, just so he could rub it into Harry’s face that he had sex and Harry didn’t. This story about some guy who didn’t even take care of the wonderment that is Louis was astounding. Why would someone be selfish with him? Louis was beautiful, and Nick had seen enough old pictures of him to know he always was.

"I’m sorry." he said, rolling off of Louis. Nick moved up and pulled Louis’ back into his chest, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy’s waist. "Nobody should treat you like that."

"It’s not like you did." Louis responded quickly. "Tonight was perfect Nick. You made me feel better than I had for weeks, and honestly I didn’t think you would be so gentle."

"I figured this was like a second first time for you, so i wanted it to be good." Nick said.

"It was. Thank you Nick." Louis said sweetly. "I’m really tired…"

"Then sleep Lou. We can talk more in the morning." Nick said before he nuzzled up close to the back of Louis’ neck for one more kiss. "Good night Lou." But Louis was already asleep.

~ ~ ~

When Louis woke up he had a certain pain in his backside, extra weight on his back, and long arms wrapped tightly around him. He smiled to himself and cuddled closer to the body behind him. He loves the way Nick came completely envelope him and cover almost every inch of him. But he only took a few minutes to appreciate it before his stomach was rumbling and he needed breakfast. Louis looked back at Nick as he slowly maneuvered his way out of his grasp and decided he looked too peaceful to wake up.

So Louis left the bedroom as quietly as he could and made himself a bowl of cereal to eat. He sat down on the couch and his attention turned to a box of videos the boys had given him. They were crappy homemade ones that everyone was hoping would jog his memory, but Nick and Louis hadn’t gotten to them yet. He leaned down and picked up a case labeled _Zayn’s 21st!_ and thought that would be a fun one to start with.

It started off with some loud music and small cut togethers of people arriving at some darkened club. Louis recognized the boys and a few other faces but no new names were coming back yet. Then he saw Nick’s face pop up on the screen and he could feel his heart tug. Nick looked so trashed and his dancing was terrible, but Louis felt nothing but affection toward him. He was glad to see Nick interact with all of his friends like this.

Of course Louis felt a little embarrassed when his own figure came up in the video. He was a really clumsy and sort of handsy drunk. He was dancing with any boy that came near and Louis was happy to see how much confidence he had. But then it cut to a small video of Harry and Nick talking about someone.

"He is out of his mind right now! Look at him dancing with Greg like that!" Harry hiccupped. At first Louis thought he was talking about Zayn, it was his party, but then Harry finished a shot and spoke again. "Louis is crazy tonight!" And, oh it was him…

But then Nick rolled his eyes and pouted. “Slag.”

Louis really wasn’t expecting that. Nick must have been kidding right? But then Louis started to notice that he and Nick weren’t even talking to each other. And in the background he could see the meanest of glares directed at each other. But that didn’t make any sense, because he and Nick were friends right? Nick said they were friends. And he was helping him get his memories back. Maybe it was just a rough patch… and they worked everything out before the accident.

So Louis just ignored all the bad thoughts and insecurities that were bubbling up and looked at his voicemail machine. Every since he got home, he had been trying to figure out the password and listen to the message that was left on there. He grabbed it to distract himself from the bad feelings punched in the first four numbers that came to his head. By some miracle it worked and Louis could finally listen to the message, which had actually been left on the night of his accident.

_“Hello Lewis. Oops, ‘m not supposed to call you that are I? Oh well. Harold was worried when you ran out and made me call to apologize for my behavior.”_ He elongated the last word as if it were a swear. _“You know what though? I think I’m not going to be the mature one for once though. I think I’ll just act like a pathetic baby just like you always do. You are so infuriating! Honestly! You can’t understand why Harry is friends with me? Well, I can’t understand why he is friends with you. Why anyone is friends with you. All you do is leach off of people. And complain about not making it in West End. Last I checked you needed actual talent to make it in the professional world. And for god’s sake you always have your hands all over every boy you see. You’re a slut Louis, everyone knows it. Just stop pretending like you are worth anything, because you aren’t. Louis Tomlinson is worth nothing.”_

And then the call cut off and the machine put the message on repeat. Louis couldn’t believe what he had just heard, but it had to be real. It had to be real because this technology wouldn’t lie. Not like Nick had. Oh god Nick! Louis slept with him! Nick was so sweet but it must have been an act, because the Nick in this message hated Louis’ guts.

As if fate really wanted to slap Louis in the face, Nick took this time to walk right out of his bedroom. He yawned and smiled down at Louis, but any sense of happiness left his face as soon as he saw Louis. And then he heard it. The message he had drunkenly, and angrily sent him. On the night where he had caused Louis to run out of Harry’ party. Where he got in a cab and almost died. But somehow, as Nick looked down at the angry, disappointed, and above all, hurt look that Louis had, he knew that this hurt the boy even more than the accident did. But the words Louis spoke next destroyed him.

"You. I just remembered something; I hate you."


	5. A New Memory

_As Nick looked down at the angry, disappointed, and above all, hurt look that Louis had, he knew that this hurt the boy even more than the accident did. But the words Louis spoke next destroyed him._

_"You. I just remembered something; I hate you."_

"Louis, please." Nick stepped forward with one of his hands held out, reaching to get a hold of any part of this disappointed boy.

"No!" Louis pushed the hand away and backed up. "What the hell Nick? I-I remember it now, that night. I remember how you insulted me and how you made me mad enough to leave my _best friend’s party._ And I remember how much I hated you before. I-I still don’t remember why, but I can see it. I can picture so many times where you just pissed me off and bitched at me.”

"You weren’t exactly Mother Theresa you know!" Nick yelled and immediately regretted it.

Louis scoffed, looking quite like his old self and Nick wanted to throw up. “Don’t even start that shit with me. All that matters is that you knew how we really felt about each other but you still pulled all this shit on me. How dare you! How dare you just take advantage of me like this!” Louis stepped back closer to Nick and pushed him with enough force to send Nick against the wall.

But Louis didn’t do anything else. He didn’t hit Nick, or yell again, or anything. And Nick wanted him to. He wanted Louis have more reactions, that way he was at least looking at Nick. Instead, Louis just turned away, grabbed the pieces of Nick’s clothes that were near and shoved them into the older man’s hands.

"Get your stuff, and get out." Louis whispered, so quietly that Nick could barely hear it, but Louis knew that if he said it any louder than Nick would hear the shaking in his voice.

Nick couldn’t handle this. He needed Louis to listen, to understand that whatever he thought Nick was doing wasn’t true. That he did care. “Lou, can’t I have any sort of say in this?”

But again, Louis didn’t listen. He just walked to the opposite side of the flat and into the small guest bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

Nick never really cried when he was a kid. He had a lot of friends and a good family and never found anything that was worth his tears. But right now Nick thought it would be a good time to start, because he fucked up so much. He had Louis and his affections right there for him, but they were yanked out because of Nick’s inability to just be honest. It was like getting punched in the gut, but a thousand times worse.

And this time, Nick wouldn’t even deny that it was his fault.

However he refused to cry anywhere near other human beings, so he put on the rest of his clothes from night before and took one last look around the flat. He considered burning the infernal video that caused this, but he knew that would be wrong. He made his way to the front door but stopped when he spotted a pen and little notepad on Louis’ kitchen counter. Nick figured Louis wouldn’t come out until he was gone so he just took a little peak inside. It really couldn’t hurt him much at this point.

As it turned out, Louis had been keeping a journal during his recovery of memories he was recalling and Nick wondered how he never saw it before. There were a few little stories that Nick recognized from Louis telling him, and then there were little pieces that weren’t memories at all. In fact they were just small musings from Louis’ day to day. Most of them were about Nick.

_Today Nick had some really famous singer on the Breakfast Show. Her name was Demi or something, I don’t know but she seemed really cool. Her voice was beautiful, but honestly I wish Nick could just be the one talking, he has such a nice voice..._

_Nick said he really hates cats. I wonder how I felt about them before? I mean, I guess they seem nice, but then Nick was showing me a picture of a puppy he wanted to adopt and that seemed like much more fun than a cat. I would love to on dog walks with Nick. I think he would different around animals than he is with people… probably a lot more sweet and patient…_

_I sort of want to kiss Nick every time he is around. I just think he would be a really good kisser. He probably covers the whole back of your head with one hand and the bottom of your back with the other and holds you tightly. I don’t know why, but that just fits him I guess. I wonder if I had these feelings before? I must have right? I mean people don’t just fall in love this fast right? When you’re meant to be with someone you will always know it, even if you can barely remember them, right?_

Nick turned page after page of Louis’ memories and notes and stories about him and Nick and the feelings and the hole that was opening up in Nick’s heart was growing larger by the second. At one point nick just couldn’t even breathe anymore. He wanted to close the book and leave, but then he got a different idea. If Louis wouldn’t let him stay and speak, then maybe he would have to explain himself a different way.

So Nick took a few minutes to write a note on a blank page and then put the book back where he found it. He took one last hopeful glance at the door Louis was behind, still thinking he would have calmed down and come out. When Nick realized that Louis’ old stubbornness was back and that wouldn’t be happening any time soon, he finally left.

~ ~ ~

Louis made sure he waited until he heard the front door close before he collapsed against the door in tears. He threw his head into his hands and cried loudly, pulling at his hair and not caring how much it hurt. Nothing hurt more than what had just happened.

He still couldn’t remember a lot of things about Nick, but each time he thought of him, this bubbling hate rippled through his spine. He hated Nick. He always hated him, but at the same time, last night had happened. It was real and it was good and Louis loved him. He was so confused.

That video and that message had only brought those bad feelings back, but now they were mixed with the new ones that Louis felt. And everything was all wrong and none of it made any sense. But why had nobody told him? Why did all of Louis’ friends just sit by and watch him fall for Nick knowing how they had felt before? It was just wrong, all wrong.

Still the only person Louis could trust to help him right now was Harry. Harry, who had been part of the group that told him nothing, but Harry who was also his best friend. Louis remembered that much.

So He slowly got up from the floor and left the guest room. The flat seemed different somehow. Empty, incomplete. Something was missing and Louis knew what but he refused to name it. He walked across the flat and stopped at his bedroom door with his hand on the knob. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bear to open that door and look at the room where he previously shared such happiness.

Louis didn’t. He dropped his hand and backed up again, settling for calling Harry from the landline. Thankfully Harry was nice enough to write important phone numbers for Louis down, and Harry’s was first on the list.

_“Hello? Louis? Is everything alright? I thought you and Nick were spending the night together?”_

Louis’ voice was shaking, but he needed to get Harry here. “S-Something happened Harry, please j-just… can you come here? You can bring Liam of you want.”

_“Okay Lou, we’ll be there soon. Just hang in there.”_

As soon as Harry hung up Louis threw the phone across the room. He cried some more as he waited for Harry and Liam to arrive. It was half an hour before they did, and Louis could barely make himself get up and let them in. As soon as Harry saw him he burst through the door and swooped his best friend into his arms.

"Oh Louis! What happened? We’re so worried!" Harry’s voice almost sounded more upset than Louis’.

Liam pulled Harry off of Louis, who was having trouble breathing, and gave Louis a small hug. “Harry, maybe you shouldn’t just bombard Louis like that.”

"Sorry! It’s just, you’ve already been through a lot and you sounded terrible on the phone… so I’m just freaking out." Harry stammered.

"I would say I’m but I’m really not. Thanks for coming." Louis said dully as he slumped down onto the couch, the other boys followed behind. "I need you guys to be completely honest with me okay?"

They both nodded and Harry took Liam’s hand.

"Okay. How do Nick and I feel about each other? And I don’t mean anything after the accident. I mean how we really feel?" Louis asked sternly.

Liam leaned back with a pout and Harry just looked around nervously. “Well, um… you weren’t like _best friends_ or anything…”

"Louis, you guys didn’t like each other." Liam cut Harry off. "I’m not going to sugar coat it, because I never thought it was a good idea to just lie. But you could barely stand to be in the same building as him."

Louis glared at them. “Then why didn’t you tell me? You just said you didn’t lying was a good idea but that’s what you did! Why?”

Harry’s eyes started to get glossy with tears, but Louis really couldn’t be bothered with it at the moment. Liam just kissed Harry’s hand and spoke again. “Well, Harry has been wanting you guys to be friends since he met Nick and he thought maybe you would change your mind once you saw how he was taking care of you. But I knew that once you got your memories back it would backfire.”

"Oh it backfired alright. You have no idea how much." Louis mumbled. His friends just stared back him with confused faces and Louis sighed. "We might have um… slept together last night."

"Shit."

"Louis!"

"Excuse me! But maybe if you guys had just told me than it wouldn’t have happened!" Louis shouted.

"Did you not want to sleep with him?" Liam asked.

"I—" Louis stuttered, because he did. He really wanted to last night and he had been wanting to for weeks, probably since he woke up to Nick laying against his bed in the hospital. However, it did not change the fact that he was lied to. "Yes. Okay, yes I did, but… I didn’t know that… he and I don’t… it wasn’t real Liam!"

"Of course it was real Louis. Those positive feelings for him didn’t just come out of nowhere, you know." Liam sad.

Harry perked up and nodded. “I-I knew you liked him Louis! You never said, and you guys were so hostile, but I knew it. But what happened? Where is he?”

"Gee? Maybe I kicked him out when I remembered what a dick he has always been to me." Louis snapped.

Harry’s lip quivered and he looked away, so Liam decided to take charge. “Haz, why don’t you go make us some tea and I’ll talk to Louis okay?” Harry nodded and got up to make his way to the kitchen. When he was out of the room Liam scooted closer to Louis on the couch. “Okay Lou, I’m very sorry that nobody told you, but Harry has a point. Maybe you did secretly like him before. And maybe this was the universe finally giving you guys the opportunity to just have a clean slate and get to know each other.”

Louis looked down at his hands and considered Liam’s words. “I just don’t like that I was lied to. But I guess if he had told me we weren’t friends then I wouldn’t have trusted him.”

"See? Everything happens for a reason. What you two did last night and how you feel, it was all meant to happen." Liam told him.

"I just don’t know Liam. I-I can’t trust him right now. And I want to, I really want to, because last night was perfect. He was so soft and sweet and he really took care of me, but then I remember all this stuff and it just seems like an act."

Liam rubbed Louis’ back and sighed. “I know, but I can promise you that it wasn’t. Just give him a chance.”

Harry came back with a tray of tea and they spent the rest of the afternoon watching more of the home videos. Louis wasn’t able to focus though, his mind just kept wandering to Nick and whether he would forgive him or not. Should he give him a chance?

~ ~ ~

Harry stormed into work with one thing on his mind. Telling Nick off and making him agree to apologize. He walked with purpose by the desks of people that on any normal day he would stop and say hi to, and right up to the door of the booth. Nick was already sitting inside, the show hadn’t started yet, and Harry didn’t even knock on the door before entering.

"Grimmy!" Harry started. "You need to go talk to Lou—" But then he really looked at Nick, and the older man looked terrible. his eyes had dark circles around them, like he hadn’t been sleeping well, his hair wasn’t as perky as usual, and he wasn’t even wearing his signature smirk. "A-are you okay?"

"Yeah, perfectly fine Harold." Nick said and Harry could tell that it was very forced. "Why shouldn’t I be fine after all? I mean, don’t get me wrong, sure, I was falling in love with a boy who I previously hated and then made love to him only to have him remember that he hates me and kick me out of his house without even a second thought, but why shouldn’t I be fine?"

Harry sighed and sat down in the chair next to him. “So you’re not fine.”

"Were you even listening Harold?" Nick snapped. He wanted to be mad. He wanted to blame it all on the fact that Harry made him go to that stupid hospital, but for some reason he felt like it really wasn’t his fault. "Yeah, yeah I’m not fine."

"Why won’t you and Louis just talk to each other?" Harry groaned. "Honestly. SO many things would have been avoided if you two could just talk about your fucking feelings! But no it’s all secret and last minute and outward hatred and nobody is fucking happy!"

"I don’t think I like your tone." Nick quipped.

Harry glared at him, and that wasn’t something he did often. “This isn’t funny Nicholas. Louis is hurt because we all lied to him and he’s mad because you had sex with him without telling him your whole story together. You’re hurt because you finally grew a heart and loved someone and he just cast you off with no chance of an explanation. See? I can say it just fine, so why can’t you two?”

"I’m not used to it okay!" Nick finally exclaimed throwing his hands up. "I’m not used to this whole _sharing my feelings_ thing. When I was falling for Louis it was just so easy, because he was so easy to accept me, but what if he doesn’t? What if he does let me tell him everything and in the end he still hates me? It’s just… it’s easier to let him go.”

Harry frowned but he understood what Nick meant. “You’re scared. The fearless, charming Nick Grimshaw is scared of being rejected. That’s okay Grimmy. You’re only human, but… trust me when I say that letting go of someone you love will not be easy. Louis will come up in your mind at every turn. You will see him everywhere you go. The only way to solve anything is to just talk to him. And if he rejects you so be it, at least you will know. However, I really don’t think he will.”

Nick sighed and thought about it. He never considered himself to be a coward, but that’s exactly how Harry made it sound. “Liam’s wise old man-ness has really been rubbing off on you.”

Harry smirked. “What can I say? He makes me a better person. I bet you and Louis would do the same for each other.”

~ ~ ~

Nick called Louis three times after work and he knew he was being ignored. Still he left messages saying the typical _“I miss you"_ and _"Please just talk to me"_ but it was to no avail. He even tried texting a few times, but Louis simply deleted them.

He knew that things would only get better once they talked, but he just couldn’t do it. The thought of facing Nick frightened Louis beyond belief and he just wanted to put it off for as long as possible.

It was two weeks later, and Louis had gone back to work and he had been avoiding the Breakfast Show like the plague, just so he didn’t have to hear Nick’s voice. But Nick still called him and left messages and texted about three billion times a day, so eventually Louis gave in.

He decided it would only be fair to listen to at least one voice message, although the last voice message he received from Nick wasn’t so nice… so it was bittersweet.

_“Louis, please talk to me. I-I’m going crazy over here. Just at least read what I wrote to you in your notebook okay? A-and then talk to me. I miss you.”_

Louis couldn’t believe Nick had read his notebook! And he actually had the audacity to write something in it. For fuck’s sake what else would this guy pull on him. After a few moments of fuming Louis accepted that he wasn’t really mad at Nick for the notebook, just everything else he had done.

So Louis picked up his journal and turned to last page to be written on. He hadn’t touched that book since he and Nick spent the night together. He was having trouble getting more memories back since Nick left so he didn’t need to write in it. He found the note from Nick and started reading it tentatively.

_"Last night Louis and I made love for the first time. It was like something they build up in a teen movie, but better because both of us were experienced. I just mean that it wasn’t awkward and I could really focus on him._

_Louis was gorgeous. He’s always gorgeous. But last night it was a new kind, a vulnerable kind. I’ve never seen him like that. I couldn’t have ever dreamed of seeing him like that. I wish I could feel it again. how warm he was and how dependent he seemed on me. It was nice to have someone wanting me like that._

_And the noises he made when he came. God it was just like music. Actually it was better than most music now that I think about it. But his face. He just looked so happy and peaceful and god I just want to make him feel like that again. He deserves to feel like that all the fucking time.”_

Louis felt numb. He felt like all of his insides were freezing and threatening to break off. Nobody had ever said those sorts of things to him, and now he had it written for him to read over and over again whenever he pleased. But it hurt. It hurt so much because he just couldn’t picture Nick ever saying these things out loud. Maybe it would mean more if he knew Nick would say all of this right to him and love him like he wanted but it just didn’t seem likely. Still there was a very small stitch of hope inside him that said maybe Nick would.

So Louis stared at his phone for a few minutes before picking it up and then… staring at it for a moment longer in his hand and finally texting Nick back.

_**To: Nick:** Come over to my flat at 5:00 and we’ll talk._

~ ~ ~  
Louis was pacing around his flat in anticipation for Nick’s arrival, unable just sit and wait because of his nerves. Nick was running a couple minutes late and that only made it worse. Louis had cleaned his entire flat, twice and now it was just a matter of not sweating off all of his cologne before Nick got there. Finally, when Nick was ten minutes late, but it might as well have been ten hours, Louis heard a knocking at him door. So, he quickly ran over, straightened out his shirt and stood by the door for a few seconds before he opened it, he didn’t want to seem too eager.

Nick was visibly nervous where he stood. His hands were stuffed in his pockets and he was having trouble just looking at Louis. “You can come in.” Louis told him.

Nick finally looked up and gave Louis a small smile then followed him into the flat. “Thank you for letting me come Louis.”

"Whatever." Louis sighed. "I’m going to talk first. I will say what I need to say and then you can and then maybe we can just get past this and at least be civil with each other."

Nick nodded his head and sat on a chair across from where Louis had perched on the couch. There was a beat of silence before Louis finally broke it.

"I remembered something." Louis began. "The first time Harry introduced us was when I dropped him off at work and he practically begged me to say hello to everyone. Everyone was really welcoming and nice and then we got to you. You were on the phone with someone, I didn’t know who, but you were laughing at whatever they were saying. You threw your head back and your hair flew everywhere and your eyes got all crinkly and i thought you were… cute." Louis smiled fondly.

Nick wanted to say something but he knew he shouldn’t interrupt Louis at this point.

"And then you just waved at Harry and didn’t even look at me, but like… I didn’t really care because I just wanted to look at you. Of course I knew who you were, but somehow… you were nothing like I expected. But you barely even noticed me. I wasn’t used to not being noticed by other men. Especially attractive, charming ones that Harry was friends with." Now Louis was frowning and he couldn’t sit still.

"I-I liked you from the start Nick. I remember that. But you never seemed to like me. And I couldn’t figure out why, so I just… acted rude right back. And now I’m just so confused by everything." Louis turned to look directly at Nick now, hoping to get the next part out very clear. "Why? Why would you just play with me like that? What made you think it was okay to manipulate me like that? Things are still a little fuzzy and I just want you to be fucking honest with me for once!"

Nick just looked down and couldn’t answer. He didn’t mean to play with Louis’ emotions, it all just sort of happened. But he knew Louis would never forgive him if he didn’t give the answer, and he needed Louis to forgive him, to love him again.

"I’m scared Louis. I’m so fucking afraid, okay?" Nick said in barely a whisper. "Do you think I wanted this? Every day when I would see you and you would smile and be so nice I felt like complete shit about it. But I liked you Louis, I still like you, and I was so scared that if you knew… then you wouldn’t want me around. I’m sorry Louis, really I am."

Louis shook his head and rubbed at his temples. “You think you were scared? Nick I’m terrified! How do you think it felt to spend such a wonderful night with someone I thought was my friend, who loved me, only to wake up and find out that you hated me before? I was so confused! I’m still so confused! I-I don’t know how to feel about anything anymore!”

"Lou—" Nick started to reach for Louis’ leg but he was knocked away.

"Don’t. Because then you write that fucking note in my journal and what? Did you just think that because you write these things about how _gorgeous_ I was and how _happy_ and _peaceful_ I was then I would just forgive you?” Louis asked harshly.

Now Nick decided he needed to stand up too. “I just wanted you to know how I felt about that night. You weren’t exactly willing to listen to me!”

They were both yelling now; incoherent things to each other about how they never respected their feelings and dammit I liked you too and it was all becoming a huge mess of shouts that eventually neither of them even knew what they were saying.

And before either of them even knew what was going on, Nick was pulling Louis in by his waist and kissing him hard. Louis didn’t even think before he tangled his fingers into Nick’s hair and kissing him back. They were grabbing at as much of each other as they could, whimpering and moaning, and licking into each other’s mouths, but then Louis opened his eyes and realized what he was doing.

Louis pulled back and glared at Nick before slapping him across the face and then kissing him briefly again. “We’re a mess Nick.”

Nick laughed and held Louis tighter. “Yes we’re terrible at this.”

"I don’t remember anything when you’re not around, you know." Louis said. "It’s like I’m fucking Dory and you’re Marlin and your presence just keeps all my memory straight. The thing about when we first met only came back to me after I read your note."

"If you let me stay, I can help you recall more." Nick whispered as he kissed the top of Louis’ head.

Louis sighed and pushed back at Nick’s chest to look at him. “Can I trust you? I mean, will you be honest with from now on? Please just tell me that you will at least talk to me.”

"Yes Louis, anything. I-I don’t want to lose you again." Nick told him.

"Okay."

"Okay."

_**FIN** _


End file.
